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By C.J. Sullivan
The worst could easily happen. It just takes one forgetful moment
of leaving your keys on the coffee table. Or an old-fashioned
blowout with your roommate, who decides to change the locks. Or
how about that vindictive landlord who's decided to padlock your
door?
You're out, and
kicked to the curb. For a night or two—at least—you have
nowhere to stay. So what's a poor boy to do?
We're assuming
that you live in a city or a suburb. If you're out in the woods,
go read a manual on how to make a shelter out of tree limbs. We
have bigger issues to deal with here.
So here's the
scene: You're out of shelter and have little or no money. If
you've got enough money (or credit cards), go rent a hotel room.
This article is intended more for the truly desperate.
Airport
Terminals
The warmest and safest way to kill a long night is out at an
airport terminal. Look at the incoming flights and find one that
has been cancelled. Then find a padded chair and make yourself as
comfortable as you can. If security guards question you, tell them
you're waiting for Uncle Abner's canceled flight. Uncle Abner is a
deaf mute, you're poor, and so you have no choice but to sit and
wait. Most airport security will leave you alone if you sit
quietly and take a snooze. There are worse places to spend a
night.
Bars
We're assuming you don't have much money, so find a bar that
doesn't have a cover charge. Next, you need a place that is
half-crowded. You're looking for anonymity here. Walk in cool and
head right for the phone. Fake making a call and survey the scene.
After 10 minutes, you're no longer the new guy.
Now check the
phone booth or the jukebox for an empty beer bottle, and pick it
up like it's yours. Make sure it's a dark bottle, like a
Budweiser. Then go in to the bathroom and fill it with water. Now
you can bop around the bar taking pulls from your "beer"
and pass for a paying customer.
The next valuable
thing about bars is that they are full of drunks. The most
valuable thing about drunks is that they tend to drop money and
not notice it. Every few minutes, scan the floor by the bar. If
you see a bill, put your foot over it and wait a while before you
pick it up.
Bars are full of
people looking for someone to listen to their boring stories. You
may find a guy willing to buy you a few drinks in return to
listening about how his aunt screwed him out of his inheritance in
1971. At closing time, you might want to tell your own tale of woe
and see if your patron knows of any cots you might take up for a
night or two.
Also, bars have
babes. If the Gods are smiling on you, one may take you home and
make your problems go away.
Mass
transportation
Buses aren't comfortable, but they're cheap. Try to ride a bus
line with a long route. At the end of the line, ask the driver if
you can stay on for the return trip because you slept through your
stop and you have no money. Bus drivers tend to be a decent lot.
This ruse may buy you a three-hour nap.
Trains are a
better bet, but they're dangerous. New York, Boston, San Francisco
and Chicago all have train lines that are good for a quick nap.
But don't lay down on the seat, or the cops and the jackals that
rule the night will fall on you like fresh meat.
Grocery
stores
It may come to this. Go to a 24-hour supermarket, and fill a
cart with groceries. Find the paper goods section, then put your
cart in another aisle and go back to the paper towel aisle.
The bottom shelf
of the toilet paper and paper towel section is large enough for
most guys to fit inside. Discreetly crawl to the back of the
shelf. Put enough products in front of you so some old lady
doesn't grab a roll of Charmin and scream at your snoring mug.
Whatever
you do, make it through to the daylight hours when you can start
hitting on your friends. The next day's horoscope might even say
that doors once closed to you are now opened.
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