Get a Date

Ken Cushman, the early years 

Picking up women is a difficult and deadly career, fraught with peril. If the rewards weren't so damn attractive, no one would ever try to do it.

Women are confusing. If they fall easy prey to your wiles, they're probably sluts. If they don't, you'll never have the opportunity to turn them into sluts. Unfortunately, I don't have a foolproof, multi-purpose pickup line for you, but I can give you a few rules that can make your ice-breaking a little less ball-breaking.

1. Stay in your range.
Look in the mirror and ask yourself, "Would Ashley Judd look twice at this face?" If the answer is "Hell no," then you should not be attempting to pick up Ashley Judd types in a bar. No matter how great or sensitive or magical Judd might find you if she got to know you, we're talking about a noisy, dark bar. Even if she wanted to, she couldn't look beneath the superficial aspects of your face, your attire and your body.

If you can't reasonably expect the prettiest girl in attendance to fall panting at your feet based on your face, then don't waste your time clumping up to her and asking her to dance. There are plenty of girls around. Pick one who might actually say yes.

2. Put your best foot forward.
As someone once said, "Know thyself, so thou canst figure out what about thee maketh women to pant with lust." Women look for wealth, success and power. But don't make the mistake of interpreting these things too narrowly.

Maybe you have a wealth of books in your library, or you have enormous success as a sparkling wit, or you have the power of being captain of a sailing team. Figure out the most interesting and attractive thing about yourself, and try that out on girls until you find one whose socks are immediately knocked off to find out you're a chess master, or a great gardener, or have every "Star Trek" episode taped.

3. Put in some miles.
Don't let yourself get sent to the corner by one rejection. Not every woman you pick out to approach is going to be instantly fascinated by your charms. In fact, some of them might tell you to go soak your head.

This is why God put so many women into clubs and bars. Increase your chances of getting some action by talking to lots of girls. You don't have to be a leering sociopath working your way around the room in a circle—just be friendly and give yourself lots of chances to find a match.

Here's a typical scenario: A guy walks into a bar, identifies the most beautiful woman there, walks up to her and says, "Hey, I've got a Ducati. Want to see it?" The girl says, "I'd like to shove it up your ass and then make it explode into a million pieces." And she didn't mean it in a good way.

The guy goes slinking back to the corner, tells his friend that all women are bitches, and doesn't speak to another girl all night. Meanwhile, 40 other women parade past him, at least one of whom thinks Ducatis are the chariots of the gods and would cheerfully give him a blow job for the honor of riding in the back of one.

I know it's hard to be rejected, and women can make you very shy. Your job is to make a match for yourself with a girl who will like you and have fun with you. Viewed objectively, it has nothing to do with embarrassment or personal confidence—it's just a matter of trying on a lot of girls until you find one that fits.

Ken Cushman is a loser and is currently homeless.